1. |
The Pit
03:31
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The Pit
A man walked into the pit
Thinking it was the Ritz
There ain't no glitz and glamour here
Only nits and clamour
Rats as big as yer thigh
He’s so fucking high he can’t see the sky
Man Down!
Man down!
He slipped on his spit on his way to his next big hit
Well what d’you expect from the pit?
The pit
Armpits and shit
What a life we lead in the land of the brit
Wash down a mug of bitter nicoteane
The skate parks a youth club for angst-ridden teens
The real youth club got smashed up by an army of spaffed adolescents
Makes you stand still
Their lifes a steep hill
But it don’t change the fact that they’re the ones swallowing the wrong bitter pills
The pit
The pit
Armpits and shit
What a life we lead in the land of the brit
The local town council are in the pit
The local town crier is in the pit
Every mother father sons and daughters are all in the slaughter
Wrists clenched fists tense as all cling onto the ledge
Just fall down
Fall down
Down down
Down down down down down down into the pit
Retail nights
Infantile social sexual frustration
I successfully passed my probation
And ride forth happily into the stock room plantation
It’s better than piles
Dealing with the riled up bile mouthed infantile purchaser chasing you up and down the shop floor
Til you perchance seal yourself behind a bathroom door
Cor what a life what a job
Armpits and shit
What a life we lead in the land of the brit
The pit the pit the pit the pit the pit the pit the pit
123 the pit
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2. |
Have & Have nots
04:03
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Have and have nots
My bed times an extended lunch break
Quit yer whining we’ve all gotta work
Yeah I know we do
But I reserve my right as a member of this country to fucking whinge
My work uniform gets me sympathetic looks on the street
My shoes broke within two weeks
That’s not sleek
It’s not a SodaStream a labrador and lumps of beak it’s bleak
It’s hundreds of locked doors
It’s a grinding snoring boredom
Don’t tell me what I am or am not
Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not
Don’t tell me what I am or am not
Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not
I arrived to work two hours early this morning
So I embarked on a citywide tour of our greatest
The coffee shop
Shop one: one star
My latte resembled porridge and I had a seat by the window
People looking in at me like I’m a zoo exhibit
Hey mister! Hey mister! Hey mister!
I’ve been to the zoo!
Don’t tell me what I am or am not
Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not
Don’t tell me what I am or am not
Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not
Then I went to the loo the public one I was done with the other place
‘Horny asian women looking for men. Call this number if you fit the bill’
Don’t need it if I wanted to get fucked I’d just ask for a pay rise
Or buy a bag of them funny drugs
Don’t tell me what I am or am not
Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not
Don’t tell me what I am or am not
Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not
I move onto shop two: Flat white 2.80
Service is better
Wood-panelled floors and leather upholstery
Vivaldi’s the Four seasons is on the radio touch of class
There’s no glass partition between me and the zoo visitors now
They’re in here with me
Looking me up and down
Everythings fucking brown
Don’t tell me what I am or am not
Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not
Don’t tell me what I am or am not
Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not
I’m gonna walk up the town in a minute
And feel like a clown in me four season stretch trousers and wooly yeti fleece
I got fleeced in that other place
Coffee went straight to me bowels
The double kick of brown liquid caffeine
And imagined rush of non existent asian fanny funs got me on the run
I’ll be a valued asset to the team in half an hour
Bouncing off the walls
And wanking in your staff room!
Don’t tell me what I am or am not
Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not
Don’t tell me what I am or am not
Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not
Ah fuck it too much time left what do I do?
Maybe I’ll go back and ring the number
Getting jumped by Romanian gangsters would certainly alleviate the boredom
Takeaway large black coffee from Greggs now that's what you want
Not trying to be something it's not
2.10 and that’s yer lot sod off
Sod off
Sod off!
Don’t tell me what I am or am not
Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not
Don’t tell me what I am or am not
Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not
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3. |
Fridge Raiders
02:22
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Fridge Raiders
The air stinks of fridge raiders
And is filled with the echoes of failed entertainers
I think my heads a bit unstable
I’ve spent three and a half days under a table
Me eyes have gone wobble
I resemble a shaved womble
Everyone’s looking at me…
Why is everyone looking at me?
I’m crawling to escape the fuzz
So I can soberly reacquaint myself with the scuzz
The air stinks of fridge raiders
And is filled with the echoes of failed entertainers
I trod on Gregor Samsa with the heel of my boot
Watched his family whoop and cheer
In the dregs of my beer
The miracle of the sneeze
Every man woman toff one toff two
Turn to sneer at me
The grass is greener beyond the yonder cobbles…
The streets are cleaner
The streets are cleaner
The streets are cleaner!
Everything that makes this place great is fenced off with a gate
How long have I been sat on this bench and whys it wet?
The air stinks of fridge raiders
The air stinks of fridge raiders
Ya what
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4. |
Chai Guevara
01:58
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Chai Guevara
I wasn’t put on earth for this and that
I’m on the wrong side of an environmental spat
Shove the planet up your plug
I don’t want a fucking eco mug
A bougie warrior in a stupid hat
Unaware that he’s a twat
Take a smug, smarmy glug
I don’t want a fucking eco mug
A bunch of rats with greenpeace tats
Drinking their lattes with minimum fat
A five year hole is what I’ve dug
I don’t want a fucking eco mug
Give yourself a well earned pat
As you do your bit for the CO2 stat
Environmental conscience is an addictive drug
I don’t want a fucking eco mug
I’m counting the days til I’m hit with a bat
And spill my brains on the doorstep mat
I get dirty looks like a trod on slug
I don’t want a fucking eco mug
I don’t want a fucking eco mug
I don’t want a fucking eco mug
You’re an overeducated arrogant prat
A faux proletarian fat cat
One of these days I’ll be crushed like a bug
But right now I shrug and say
I don’t
Want
A fucking
Eco
Mug
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5. |
Audi Abuse
01:51
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Audi Abuse
Oi
You fucking what
What you staring at you prick?
Haven’t you got a telly to nick?
Or a double glazed window to hit with a brick?
Ah you make me sick man
I can’t stick ya
You’re a prick
Hope the ol bill nick ya
Audi Abuse
Audi Abuse
Where’d you get yer jacket?
I’ll make a racket!
Verbal air attack
Look at your hair it's got more grease than a crisp packet you dickhead
Audi Abuse
Audi Abuse
Everyone hates me
Even my shoelaces slithered out the dirty holes to escape me
I am a phoenix rising from the ashes
But some cunt keeps grabbing my legs
Audi Abuse
Audi Abuse
Audi Abuse
Oiiiiii Audi Abuse
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6. |
Drunk Lads
02:59
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Drunk Lads
Drunk lad pushes another
You can hear the shouts
Same one lad didn’t pull out
When he was supposed to
Don’t think about her only me
He’ll be a grandad by the time he’s 33
Drunk lads
Don’t be a drunk lad
Drunk lads
Are you a drunk lad?
Everyone remembers the desperate lad at the party
Tryna get arty
With the pickup lines he had taped to his wrist
She was lucky to escape
He says half-naked girls are basically asking to be…
Drunk lads
Don’t be a drunk lad
Drunk lads
Are you a drunk lad?
Drunk lads
Are we drunk lads?
Are we all drunk lads?
Don’t be a drunk lad
You can’t just pass em around like a twisted game of Monopoly
If you gonna try and go get a pound
Go on lads treat her fucking properly
Drunk lads
Drunk lads
Drunk lads
Drunk lads
Drunk lads
Drunk lads
Drunk lads
Drunk lads
Drunk lads
Drunk lads
Drunk lads
Drunk lads
Drunk lads
Drunk lads
lads
lads
lads
lads
lads
lads
lads
lads
lads
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7. |
M&S
02:28
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M&S
Did you steal my percy pigs?
I know you did you twat
Everyones always trying to take what they want
Y’know this and that
I shop at Marks and Spence
You would too if you weren’t so dense
Excuse me?
Where do you keep the quiche?
Yes yes I understand
It’s really quite niche
I shop at Marks and Spence
Why did those ethnics break my fence
Why don’t you stock champagne and only carva?
I’ve organised some drinks tonight
With my father
God save Marcs and Spence
God save Marcs and Spence
God save Marcs and Spence
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8. |
Dirty & Cheap
01:26
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Dirty and cheap
Out damned spot
Out I say
There’s a man out on the street
Needs money to eat
Does he really?
Addictions a hell of a drug
Shrug and walk on
Out damned spot
Out I say
Life’s a walking shadow
A penniless player
A piss poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the street
and is heard by no one
Out damned spot
Out I say
One two why
I love you
And I love you too
Whats that money
Really going to?
Out damned spot
Out I say
Greasy kebab and a bag of salty chips
Steamed into the windscreen
My meal resembles my life…
Dirty and cheap
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9. |
Nut Allergy
02:07
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B=== Nut allergy ===D
I met a girl
She said her name was Pearl
She liked a lot of boys
She made a lot of noise
My friend had her
She wanted his adder
She made a mess
He made significantly less
Nut allergy!
Nut allergy!
She got a
Nut allergy
She couldn’t let it free
I hit it too
The orbs they went blue
She just hadn’t got the knack
I never went back
The story in the end
She drove us all round the bend
Couldn’t get it ratified
They left unsatisfied
Nut allergy!
Nut allergy!
She got a
Nut allergy
She couldn’t let it free
Nut allergy!
Nut allergy!
O o o O o o O O o O O o
It’s a nut allergy
Oh fuck me!
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10. |
CBeebies Death March
03:10
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Cbeebies Death March
Postman pat
Postman pat
Died alone in his council flat
Jess the cat
Jess the cat
Rotting slowly eaten by rats
She can’t find her way back home
Cbeebies death march
There are no kids anymore
Cbeebies death march
You’re not a kid anymore
Teletubbies
Teletubbies
Say hello
Teletubbies
Teletubbies
Crucified in the name of money
Cbeebies death march
There are no kids anymore
Cbeebies death march
You’re not a kid anymore
You’re not a kid anymore
Make way for Noddy
Shout a big hooray
Paid off by the BBC
Happiness never stays
Cbeebies death march
There are no kids anymore
Cbeebies death march
You’re not a kid anymore
You’re not a kid anymore
You’re not a kid anymore
You’re not a kid anymore
Congratulations you’ve made it to 18 years old
Your free trial of life is now over
Please pay to experience more lifetime
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StantonP.L.C Wells, UK
The post-Brexit Everly brothers
- Andrew Stanning
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