The Pit A man walked into the pit Thinking it was the Ritz There ain't no glitz and glamour here Only nits and clamour Rats as big as yer thigh He’s so fucking high he can’t see the sky Man Down! Man down! He slipped on his spit on his way to his next big hit Well what d’you expect from the pit? The pit Armpits and shit What a life we lead in the land of the brit Wash down a mug of bitter nicoteane The skate parks a youth club for angst-ridden teens The real youth club got smashed up by an army of spaffed adolescents Makes you stand still Their lifes a steep hill But it don’t change the fact that they’re the ones swallowing the wrong bitter pills The pit The pit Armpits and shit What a life we lead in the land of the brit The local town council are in the pit The local town crier is in the pit Every mother father sons and daughters are all in the slaughter Wrists clenched fists tense as all cling onto the ledge Just fall down Fall down Down down Down down down down down down into the pit Retail nights Infantile social sexual frustration I successfully passed my probation And ride forth happily into the stock room plantation It’s better than piles Dealing with the riled up bile mouthed infantile purchaser chasing you up and down the shop floor Til you perchance seal yourself behind a bathroom door Cor what a life what a job Armpits and shit What a life we lead in the land of the brit The pit the pit the pit the pit the pit the pit the pit 123 the pit

Have and have nots My bed times an extended lunch break Quit yer whining we’ve all gotta work Yeah I know we do But I reserve my right as a member of this country to fucking whinge My work uniform gets me sympathetic looks on the street My shoes broke within two weeks That’s not sleek It’s not a SodaStream a labrador and lumps of beak it’s bleak It’s hundreds of locked doors It’s a grinding snoring boredom Don’t tell me what I am or am not Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not Don’t tell me what I am or am not Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not I arrived to work two hours early this morning So I embarked on a citywide tour of our greatest The coffee shop Shop one: one star My latte resembled porridge and I had a seat by the window People looking in at me like I’m a zoo exhibit Hey mister! Hey mister! Hey mister! I’ve been to the zoo! Don’t tell me what I am or am not Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not Don’t tell me what I am or am not Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not Then I went to the loo the public one I was done with the other place ‘Horny asian women looking for men. Call this number if you fit the bill’ Don’t need it if I wanted to get fucked I’d just ask for a pay rise Or buy a bag of them funny drugs Don’t tell me what I am or am not Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not Don’t tell me what I am or am not Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not I move onto shop two: Flat white 2.80 Service is better Wood-panelled floors and leather upholstery Vivaldi’s the Four seasons is on the radio touch of class There’s no glass partition between me and the zoo visitors now They’re in here with me Looking me up and down Everythings fucking brown Don’t tell me what I am or am not Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not Don’t tell me what I am or am not Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not I’m gonna walk up the town in a minute And feel like a clown in me four season stretch trousers and wooly yeti fleece I got fleeced in that other place Coffee went straight to me bowels The double kick of brown liquid caffeine And imagined rush of non existent asian fanny funs got me on the run I’ll be a valued asset to the team in half an hour Bouncing off the walls And wanking in your staff room! Don’t tell me what I am or am not Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not Don’t tell me what I am or am not Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not Ah fuck it too much time left what do I do? Maybe I’ll go back and ring the number Getting jumped by Romanian gangsters would certainly alleviate the boredom Takeaway large black coffee from Greggs now that's what you want Not trying to be something it's not 2.10 and that’s yer lot sod off Sod off Sod off! Don’t tell me what I am or am not Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not Don’t tell me what I am or am not Don’t tell me I’m a have or have not

Fridge Raiders The air stinks of fridge raiders And is filled with the echoes of failed entertainers I think my heads a bit unstable I’ve spent three and a half days under a table Me eyes have gone wobble I resemble a shaved womble Everyone’s looking at me… Why is everyone looking at me? I’m crawling to escape the fuzz So I can soberly reacquaint myself with the scuzz The air stinks of fridge raiders And is filled with the echoes of failed entertainers I trod on Gregor Samsa with the heel of my boot Watched his family whoop and cheer In the dregs of my beer The miracle of the sneeze Every man woman toff one toff two Turn to sneer at me The grass is greener beyond the yonder cobbles… The streets are cleaner The streets are cleaner The streets are cleaner! Everything that makes this place great is fenced off with a gate How long have I been sat on this bench and whys it wet? The air stinks of fridge raiders The air stinks of fridge raiders Ya what

Chai Guevara I wasn’t put on earth for this and that I’m on the wrong side of an environmental spat Shove the planet up your plug I don’t want a fucking eco mug A bougie warrior in a stupid hat Unaware that he’s a twat Take a smug, smarmy glug I don’t want a fucking eco mug A bunch of rats with greenpeace tats Drinking their lattes with minimum fat A five year hole is what I’ve dug I don’t want a fucking eco mug Give yourself a well earned pat As you do your bit for the CO2 stat Environmental conscience is an addictive drug I don’t want a fucking eco mug I’m counting the days til I’m hit with a bat And spill my brains on the doorstep mat I get dirty looks like a trod on slug I don’t want a fucking eco mug I don’t want a fucking eco mug I don’t want a fucking eco mug You’re an overeducated arrogant prat A faux proletarian fat cat One of these days I’ll be crushed like a bug But right now I shrug and say I don’t Want A fucking Eco Mug

Audi Abuse Oi You fucking what What you staring at you prick? Haven’t you got a telly to nick? Or a double glazed window to hit with a brick? Ah you make me sick man I can’t stick ya You’re a prick Hope the ol bill nick ya Audi Abuse Audi Abuse Where’d you get yer jacket? I’ll make a racket! Verbal air attack Look at your hair it's got more grease than a crisp packet you dickhead Audi Abuse Audi Abuse Everyone hates me Even my shoelaces slithered out the dirty holes to escape me I am a phoenix rising from the ashes But some cunt keeps grabbing my legs Audi Abuse Audi Abuse Audi Abuse Oiiiiii Audi Abuse

Drunk Lads Drunk lad pushes another You can hear the shouts Same one lad didn’t pull out When he was supposed to Don’t think about her only me He’ll be a grandad by the time he’s 33 Drunk lads Don’t be a drunk lad Drunk lads Are you a drunk lad? Everyone remembers the desperate lad at the party Tryna get arty With the pickup lines he had taped to his wrist She was lucky to escape He says half-naked girls are basically asking to be… Drunk lads Don’t be a drunk lad Drunk lads Are you a drunk lad? Drunk lads Are we drunk lads? Are we all drunk lads? Don’t be a drunk lad You can’t just pass em around like a twisted game of Monopoly If you gonna try and go get a pound Go on lads treat her fucking properly Drunk lads Drunk lads Drunk lads Drunk lads Drunk lads Drunk lads Drunk lads Drunk lads Drunk lads Drunk lads Drunk lads Drunk lads Drunk lads Drunk lads lads lads lads lads lads lads lads lads lads

M&S Did you steal my percy pigs? I know you did you twat Everyones always trying to take what they want Y’know this and that I shop at Marks and Spence You would too if you weren’t so dense Excuse me? Where do you keep the quiche? Yes yes I understand It’s really quite niche I shop at Marks and Spence Why did those ethnics break my fence Why don’t you stock champagne and only carva? I’ve organised some drinks tonight With my father God save Marcs and Spence God save Marcs and Spence God save Marcs and Spence

Dirty and cheap Out damned spot Out I say There’s a man out on the street Needs money to eat Does he really? Addictions a hell of a drug Shrug and walk on Out damned spot Out I say Life’s a walking shadow A penniless player A piss poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the street and is heard by no one Out damned spot Out I say One two why I love you And I love you too Whats that money Really going to? Out damned spot Out I say Greasy kebab and a bag of salty chips Steamed into the windscreen My meal resembles my life… Dirty and cheap

B=== Nut allergy ===D I met a girl She said her name was Pearl She liked a lot of boys She made a lot of noise My friend had her She wanted his adder She made a mess He made significantly less Nut allergy! Nut allergy! She got a Nut allergy She couldn’t let it free I hit it too The orbs they went blue She just hadn’t got the knack I never went back The story in the end She drove us all round the bend Couldn’t get it ratified They left unsatisfied Nut allergy! Nut allergy! She got a Nut allergy She couldn’t let it free Nut allergy! Nut allergy! O o o O o o O O o O O o It’s a nut allergy Oh fuck me!

Cbeebies Death March Postman pat Postman pat Died alone in his council flat Jess the cat Jess the cat Rotting slowly eaten by rats She can’t find her way back home Cbeebies death march There are no kids anymore Cbeebies death march You’re not a kid anymore Teletubbies Teletubbies Say hello Teletubbies Teletubbies Crucified in the name of money Cbeebies death march There are no kids anymore Cbeebies death march You’re not a kid anymore You’re not a kid anymore Make way for Noddy Shout a big hooray Paid off by the BBC Happiness never stays Cbeebies death march There are no kids anymore Cbeebies death march You’re not a kid anymore You’re not a kid anymore You’re not a kid anymore You’re not a kid anymore Congratulations you’ve made it to 18 years old Your free trial of life is now over Please pay to experience more lifetime